It’s not Lupus

house.jpgI can’t be the only one who watches House, right? If I am, the premise of the show is that master diagnostician Dr. Gregory House sees all the patients no one else can cure. So when a patient shows up with symptoms that make absolutely no sense, Dr. House goes through rounds of radical treatments until he discovers what the problem was to begin with.

So, basically: We’re paging Dr. House.

Patient, the New York Mets, presents with severe case of losing and multiple organ failure. When certain organs function, other formerly healthy ones go into crisis. If the hitting works, the starting pitching goes into v-fib. Or if the starter functions optimally, then the bullpen flatlines.

Patient’s symptoms have been worsening steadily for the past year, with occasional periods of remission. Most recently, patient had to have its damaged Alou removed, and the Wagner has been secreting toxins.

This is when Dr. House brainstorms with his team for the next round of treatment.

Obvious answers always get dispelled first. So, firing the manager? House would consider that answer too easy. He’d ask: What are we missing? He’d rule out fungus. Has the team added something in the past year that’s altered its state of health? Recent crucial roster changes have included Ryan Church and Brian Schneider. To House, these formerly outside influences would make no sense as the culprit. Next, he’d rule out infection. Could the problem be low morale infecting the clubhouse? Defeatism? A general bad aura invading the team’s brain? Well sure, yes, that could be a problem. Patient gets treated with a round of antibiotics–in this case, a few sustained wins, which the patient has had, and which had to boost the team’s morale–but in true House fashion, though the antibiotics seem to work initially, the problem always returns.

Next, House would turn to an allergy. Could the Mets be allergic to winning? The symptoms certainly fit. Especially since allergies worsen with age. On House, the cure in that case would be a massive dose of steroids.

I think we can all agree we must avoid that round of treatment.

The problem, then, must be immunodeficiency–for obviously the patient has been unable to heal itself. This is when House does something crazy, like drilling a hole in the patient’s brain, dosing it with massive radiation, or–in one episode, at least–digging up in the patient’s hoo-ha to find a hidden tick. (Oh, if only the solution could be so easy as finding a tick up the Mets’ hoo-ha!)

But House always saves the patient.

By House logic, then, it’s time to try something crazy. Is that my logic too? Fellow fans, I just don’t know anymore. But if the problem is immunodeficiency, then the team, as it is, just can’t heal itself.

So lets hope our team finds its Dr. House and lets him perform his miracle cure.






    Diagnosis: Sub-par talent with complications from posttraumatic collapse disorder.

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